I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
