so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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