Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
