My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
