Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
