Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
