In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
