Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
