ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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