I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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