Its about making memories worth repressing
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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