Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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