i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
