hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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