What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
