I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
even my farts smell like vagina
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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