i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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