So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
