The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
