i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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