Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
