I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
