God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
