I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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