Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
