That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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