i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
