happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
