Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
