I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
