Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
