I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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