I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
