Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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