I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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