You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
