Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just gift wrapped bread.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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