Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
