so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
