dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
