but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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