all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
