i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
