I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
