i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
