the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
