Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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