his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
