I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
