Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
